A few years ago Nathan and I answered several questions about what our personalities were like as children.
I called my mom and dad to ask them, though I had an idea, I wanted their perspective.
Both my parents described me as a “go-getter,” full of life, compassionate and intense.
I began asking “deep” questions at a young age.
Some of the questions, I’m convinced, came from the trauma experienced as a little girl who had been sexually abused.
My parent’s divorce at the age of seven was also a traumatic experience.
My own life choices added to the shame and darkness I lived with behind the surface of my “full of life” personality.
When my life came to a halt almost three years ago because of a foolish choice, desperation became my friend-
“Lord, whatever You need to do in me, do it!-no matter how painful or how long.”
It was in that season, the deepest mourning and grieving I had ever known gripped my heart .
I’m not sure I had every truly mourned. Not to completion anyway.
Here are a few words and phrases that describe mourning:
-to feel regret
-the loss or disappearance of something
To be clear, I had felt these emotions before.
However, I felt them on my terms and swept them under the rug when they got inconvenient.
I pulled them out only when I needed an excuse.
I controlled, by my stubborn will, how long and how deep I would allow these emotions to go.
Until God said, “Enough is enough.”
He then unlocked the glorious floodgates of my wounded soul.
Truth-Grace & MERCY rushed in.
Truth-to see how God sees it. To say it the way God says it. To act in accordance with God’s desires. (Which are always motivated by pure love)
Grace-to receive by faith the undeserved gift of salvation-apart from works. To receive by faith the power to believe what He says and do what He’s says to do.
MERCY-Jesus paid it all. He took on the punishment of my sin. The eternal consequence was dealt with once and for all and the consequences with man would be used for God’s glory and my good on this present earth. I would not get what I or others think I deserved.
It was in this place…….I mourned.
For as long as He needed me too.
I mourned the loss of many things my first year of healing and redemption.
I did not control it-by the grace of God.
Freedom began to replace–
Need for approval.
Fear of being known.
Need for attention.
As much as I would love to paint a picture of clear distinction of what this journey looked like, it will never happen.
What I can do is get a glimpse of the Cross Jesus gave His life on- in all the blood, the pain, the trauma…….. in all the sorrow……..
Beauty will continue to emerge as I-as you- trust God in each season of our lives.
It’s His plan for all His children. And we don’t have to be afraid.
I was afraid to mourn. I thought it meant……
I didn’t have faith OR
I was questioning the goodness of God.
Neither of those were true.
In fact, just the opposite is true.
Our faith and trust in God’s goodness is strengthened and deepened when we believe He is with us in our mourning.
Not only is He with us, He leads us there……
to HEAL US.
2 Corinthians 3:16-18 in The Message Bible says it the best:
“Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
When we understand our mourning has redemptive purposes, we will not be afraid to go there……as least, we will be brave enough to go there with God.
It’s not easy.
But worth it.
It’s never convenient but once again, worth it.
Once we go there….to the place of mourning…… we are able to mourn our losses.
We are also able to mourn with others. To be WITH them.
To be with them as we begin to see the same healing and beauty that emerged in us.
To see hope arise.
To hear deep laughter.
To see redemption have the final say.