Yes, she is five. I know that….I am watching her grow up before my very eyes.
But she is still one of my “babies.”
I have three now. And I love them with a fierce love.
Three precious grandbabies, who after this last week, I’m holding closer…. even as I acknowledge they are not ultimately mine.
They are His. And they sing.
They sing coming out of the womb and they sing going into eternity.
Children who die.
They die….they leave this earth and we are left reeling with unbelievable pain. Real pain.
I can’t personally relate. I’ve only felt a fraction of the pain of those who love these babies up close.
I listen, I watch. I squirm.
Oh God, please no. Why?
The text came yesterday- before they found Noah’s body.
“I started interceding (Speaking to God about others) for Noah in the kitchen and from the bathtub Emerie started singing, “He’s got all the children in His hands.”
While Bethany was praying, Emerie was singing…in that moment, I believe especially about Noah…because Noah was indeed in God’s hands.
This morning I was wrestling with God over this whole ordeal…yes, I sometimes let God know I don’t understand and don’t like certain outcomes…sometimes, I even question…
As we were wrestling this thing out…
I thought I heard him singing.
I don’t know what his favorite songs were but I bet he had some! I would love to know.
And as I heard Noah singing I started talking to myself….
“For heaven’s sake, Kandace, do you not think Noah was singing in that ditch? Have you forgotten the testimonies of the martyrs? How many of them sang their way into eternity? Praising their God while being burned at the stake? Remember the testimony of the witnesses….they saw the faces of those dying a painful death being lit up with a glory we have yet to fully understand? Are you so weak in faith right now that you think Noah suffered alone without the same grace as these martyrs? And furthermore, do you remember the dream I gave you to reassure your heart that I am with all suffering children…even as I was with you? I was with Noah. I am with Noah. And Noah is singing.”
Before the conversation was over with myself, I knew the conversation was not with myself. It was with the God who was with Noah. And is with Noah.
My day ended yesterday with a visit to my daughter’s house. As I was sitting in the playroom playing with Emerie…tears began to flow…as I watched her pretend, laugh and be silly.
She caught me crying…she scooted up close…and asked, “Yaya, why are you crying?”
“I’m sad, baby. I am sad for Noah’s family.” (I did not tell her details)
She scooted up closer, put her two little hands out to reach for mine and said, “Pray Yaya, pray for Noah and his mommy and daddy.”
Pray we did…
Once again, my heart was overcome with wonder…
The wonder of life- of death – of pain – of suffering – of love – of loss – of 5 years olds who say, “Pray Yaya,” and of a God who loves and gives songs to babies and martyrs.
“The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:8